And So The Story Goes On...

It's the end of the month, and I can feel the urge to end it BIG on the blog. I believe that this blog is in bits and pieces. The sheriff writes as he pleases and seldom links as readers wish. And this is mighty horrendous, horrendously tremendous, tremendously cruel, cruelly sexual and sexually brutal and brutally nauseous and..."err, we got a show to run, dPx. Cut the crap won't you?"

And so the story goes. It's finally Moon Day. 9 days after dPx announces his desire to return to the moon. Yes, the day has come and it can't come any sooner, and quicker, and faster, and rapider, and...I run out of synonyms. But that's beside the point. The point is, dPx is going to the moon, with sidekick Bin. They will be tour-guided by Austin Power's very own, Mini Mi!!

The countdown is here, the trio is ready. "10, 9, 8, 7, 5, 4, 2, 1, GO!!!"

"You missed 6 and 3, Sheriff." Bin barked.

"Because if you said any multiples of 3, you get to drink as punishment, idiot!!" dPx retorted.

"You mentioned 9, didn't you?" Bin reminded.

"Oh damn. His pee is sucky. Come Mini Mi," dPx requested reluctantly.

Mini Mi could only oblige. "What the fuck?? You stray from the topic again!!" Well, I promise you this part comes in handy later on. Anyway a good story writer builds suspense. I'm building. "It's high, it's toppy, oh my gosh, it's toppling!!"

"How long is the journey?" Bin asked.

"We are 2 minutes from the moon. Such is the advancement in technology. We could get here faster than chee-ko-peis going to Geylang. And stop disturbing me. I'm driving."

"I'm sorry. Hey, look out, it's a bird!!" Bin exclaimed.

"No, it's a plane!!" Mini Mi too exclaimed.

"No, it's my shit. I just pooped into outer space. It's huge, isn't it? I haven't poo-ed for ages because of this blog," dPx complained.

The trio landed successfully on Planet M, and so began the search for the ultimate snail. The mega snail that reproduces the entire population of snails in the entire world. It's quite obvious for snails to reproduce that way. They move at such incredible speeds that by the time they got done with each other, chee-ko-peis might had patronised the entire stretch of the enchanted Lorongs.

So on and on, off and off, on and off, off and on, the trio search and search, find and find, but they can't find nothing. "This is getting frustrating." dPx screamed. "Are our sources reliable?"

"I supposed they are. They are sent to us by some of our blogmaniacs. On top of it was written 'True and Confidential'. Can't be wrong, right?" Mini Mi answered.

"How idiotic could you get? It could be a scam. They could be after our..." Bin teased.

"Shhh. Lower your volume, won't you. Nobody knows we got the saber," dPx whispered.

"Bwhahahahhaa. You are so mighty wrong, dPx." a voice exploded from afar. dPx is flustered. He knew he's been betrayed. "Where the fuck are you hiding, you cow!!" dPx shouted in dominance, filled 99% with exaggeration.

"I am Darth Vader, children of the Jedi Knights. I am here to slay your ass from where your mouth is. Hand me the saber and I shall grant you a not-so-painless death."

"You sure know where to put your bullshit in. I am dPx, the 2nd Generation Sheriff of the Bullshitting Shire of Gey-land. I shall put your soul to my blade and feed your blood to my Mini Mi."

Mini Mi looked on excitedly. He longed for some bloody actions. As long as it doesn't involve him.

"Enough of talking!! Unsheeth your weapon. Let's get started!!"

"I can't wait." dPx tried desperately to lie. He hadn't master the essence of the Lightsaber he had inherited earlier from dPx the First. "Get the manuel," he hissed towards Bin.

Thankfully they had the manuel. dPx flipped furiously through the pages. But nothing about the Lightsaber. As typical as a Gey-lander would do, dPx instantly flipped to the last page. "Haha, there you are."

The Last Page
General FAQ
Question 1 out of 1
How the fuck do you use the Lightsaber?
Answer:
Fix the battery, you idiot!
By the way, batteries not included.
Each sold separately.

"God damnit!! Just when I don't need it, they give me this shit!!" dPx roared.

The sheriff roared and roared. Every bit of his surviving saliva got splattered out. Just then, a yellowish tint of liquid fell out from his mouth and landed on the Lightsaber. The Lightsaber seemingly knew the signal and lighted up to its full powers immediately. Darth Vader was taken aback.

"What happened?" Bin exclaimed, yet again.

"It must be Mini Mi's pee. You remember when I had to drank it just now. Mini Mi's pee has enough mojo to light up the entire Gey-land!! My oh my, dPx ain't finished yet!!"

And so it began. Darth Vader's every strike is effectively countered by the revitalised dPx. Stroke for stroke, energy for energy, there's no separating the two. Bin and Mini Mi could only watch on. Left, right, center, left-center, center again, right again. Ping. Bang. Bish. "OHHH!!"

"Did you caught that?" Mini Mi asked Bin

"I think dPx just delivered a low-blow to Darth!!" Bin explained in awe.

"Yes babies. Hell yes I do. I have delivered the fame cheap shot yet again!!" dPx dPx-ed excitedly.

Darth Vader yelled agonising in pain. He never expected that. He thought he knew all about dPx. Well, he just learnt another lesson. "Please, spare me and I shall be your slave till the end of time."

"Well, I don't need a slave. At least not till the end of time. But rest assure, I was taught not to kill in school. So allow me to spare you, Vader."

dPx turned around and walked back to his spaceship. Just then, in the tinest and miniest of split seconds, Darth Vader rose and stabbed dPx right into his back. The school teachings had yet again screwed him. "Damn those professors!!" cursed dPx, not for the first time.

Darth Vader quickly escaped into his Moon hideout, laughing sheepishly about his sneak attack. Meanwhile dPx got up onto his feet and continued his way back.

"You ain't hurt?" asked Bin suspicously as he thought for a moment he had became the new Sheriff.

"Nah. I knew that was in the script. So I wore a WonderBra behind. It works wonders." dPx claimed.

"Can I have that WonderBra?" Mini Mi 'mi' his eyes and pleaded in begger-like style.

"Of course you can. Your pee saved me!" dPx ended, in style.

The Face Lift

Yesterday night was spent largely on the blog. dPx reckons that since the exams are over, he could spend all he wants to get the blog a makeover. Very much the same like women going under the knife for the desired double eyelids, or when the same women go for bust enhancement whenever theirs got boob-ed out by others. You see, dPx read alot of blogs lately and clearly felt that his blog's boobs aren't that marvelous. dPx's been boob-ed out!

After going through the "Comestic Makeover For Your Blog" helpbook, dPx flung himself through the all-unfamilar world of HTML. "Or is it called blogger tags? What the hell, dPx don't even know what it is called." But that's beside the point. The point is, dPx got through hell. And I must admit he did quite a good job along the way. Well, he created a link list, changed the layout, and even got himself a new blog title! "Erm, something's missing. Applause please?"

dPx got the most problem with the layout. Since changing one would means rewriting the tags which dPx knew nuts about, dPx had to settle for the default ones that Blogger offers. This one caught my eye especially. "Okie, I lied. I wanted to copy you, Jason. I am shameless. But I've got a different colour, so rest easy man." The title was gotten from some random name generator, which totally didn't help me much but for the word sheriff. This word sounds cool. I shall be my own Gov'nor in my little shire.

Reminder: The sheriff wants to remind all that bullshit certainly doesn't pay because it's a patented right of dPx. The sheriff is strict on bullshitter, the same way he is on pornographers. But fear none, 'cos the sheriff endorses dope. This blog is the best dope, mind you. Read and get doped and forget that you flunked or buang-ed (whatever you say it, you know what I meant it) the papers. And for the record, the sheriff had enough of "Last words".

10 Things You Wouldn't Want To Know About dPx

Questions have been asked regarding what the hell dPx stands for and how dPx got stuck in with crimefighting and snails. dPx smells of secrecy but yet he's the next-favourite topic people talk about after the usual "Had your dinner?" But dPx ain't ready to post a FAQ just yet. On the contrary, dPx wants YOU to know what you wished you didn't hear. Here goes:

#1. dPx is smart.
That's an understatement. dPx is ingenious. dPx is worth more than a President Scholarship. dPx is simply out of this world. dPx is... Oh well, everyone knows it.

#2. dPx is an aunty killer.
dPx knows 20 dialects and can handle all sorts of aunty problems. No wonder the aunties love him. "Ah-di, come leh, help me massage my toe."

#3. dPx reads in the toilet.
But who don't? Hey stop that innocent look on your face. I'll slap you. You are either reading (with me) or doing something else illegal or immoral (against me) in there.

#4. dPx is capable of reproduction.
.....

#5. dPx is still single.
"Bwahahaa. That is funny. Nice one, dPx!!"

#6. dPx kills for a living.
To be more precise, dPx kills boredom. dPx cures and kicks boredom out of the boring you. "Cheerios!!"

#7. dPx practises the water cycle.
dPx looks boiled when pissed off but evaporates when trouble looms. dPx freezes at class presentations and melts at the legs of sweet girls. "Loser!!"

#8. dPx liken himself to Tony Leong.
Both are actors. Both acts well. Both are quiet and shy. Both kick-arse. Both have fanatics around them, as well as lunatics. Both have too-many-that-I-cant-name-them-all similarities.

#9. dPx did not steal your underwear.
Though your little cutie-hello-kitty-soaked-in-colourful-pokky-dots underwear has been missing for several weeks now, dPx did not steal it. Honestly, whoever stole is doing you a favour. "Stop looking like me suspiciously. Hey, don't go looking into my drawers. Okie, I own up."

#10. dPx totally kick-ass.
Com'on peeps. Don't be a liar to yourself. dPx sounds real cool. Chant with me. "D....P....X, D....P....X, D....P....X!!!"

Last words: "D....P....X, D....P....X, D....P....X!!" ; "You guys meant for an encore? I don't hear you?"

The Bad Times & Straits Times

The last few days have been spent clearing my stuff. And thus the unusually inactive blogging. Actually, I felt compelled to add an entry each day, but that would be a shame as meaningless and boring entries would make up the majority of the blog. And although I'm totally shameless, I'm not about to portray this behaviour over the net.

The situation I've got here is that I've been given until 2nd May to move my ass out. My task would have been made simpler if not for the massive shit that I have to move out as well. I guess this pile of shit basically sums up my first year of undergraduate life. Yes, the first year certainly do has its fair share of good times. Some potentially-great friendships were made. But these pale in comparison to the dark times that dPx's gone through. And since the good times hardly make it to the all-time great times, dPx might as well only talk about the bad times, the sucky times and the Straits times (wtf??).

The bad times. dPx could easily create a new list of bad times anytime you request from him. Such is the large scale that dPx has to streamline them into some notable ones. First off, dPx spent 9/10 of his savings in his 1st year of university life. That makes him the Roman Abrahimnovic of NTU. In the process, he also broke 3 fingers, 2 mirrors and a lecturer's nose. But most notably, and regretably, dPx lost a girlfriend (ooohhh).

"You mention the Straits times, didn't you?" Well, the Straits times belongs to Jason and Wong. They smell of dPx's shit 'cos he brings it in with him everytime he goes in. That's fair, considering the duo constantly stinks dPx's fridge with their cheese. dPx's anti-cheese!!

Last words: What's with last words? Last words summarise the entire entry, allowing busy (and lazy) readers to skip the whole chunk, yet still understand what's dPx is rattling about. But sometimes it could be irritating and makes dPx looks retarded when it's misused. Like this...

Last last words: ...and this. See what I mean?

Last last last words: "You're retarded!!"

A Mockery..

I'll make this short.

This is my 7th post in as many days. Does this make me a Blogaholic? Yes and no. Yes, because one blog a day makes my dirty thoughts keep on coming. No, because having only one blog per day makes my Blogamaniacs hungrier each day. Am I satisfying myself or what? I sound like a self-indulging lunatic. Okay, seriously, too much of anything isn't good. I haven't had enough though.

Tomorrow happens to be my last paper. It doesn't sound too happening but for those who just started or haven't end their exams, my heart beats for you peeps. I am serious.

Last words: No, I'm lying.

Last last words: I am laughing at you, pathetic!!

Last last last words: "You are not ending the entry, aren't you?"

Last last last last words: You bet!!

Last last last last last words: "You are starting to piss us off!!"

Last last last last last last words: ...

dPx: A Tribute

With Wrestlemania XXI looming before my T.V. set, I have decided to give a special one-off tribute to the WWE superstars. This is going to spark some controversy, and hence the need for the disclaimer below:

Bodies have been bruised;
Necks broken;
Careers ended in an instant.
But this is entertainment.
Wherever you are;
Whatever you do;
Please,
Don't try this at home!

What I am attempting to do now is something out of this world. It takes a brave and fair heart to come up with this entry. It's going to get violent. It's going to get messy. It's going to start debates among you. Without further ado, and in case you are still clueless, I bring to you dPx's Hall of Fame for the finishing moves of these fabulous WWE superstars, past and present.

Before we commence, allow me to introduce you the panel of judges for this one-night event. First of all, Mr. Cowell, from Idol fame. Next, we have Mr. Ken, also from Idol fame. Last but not least we have Mr. Boob-la-li, also from Idol fame. "Who the fuck is Boob-la-li?", screamed off a disgusted fan. Well, in case you don't know, Mr. Boob-la-li is the equivalent of Mr. Cowell in Bangladesh Idol. We are most pleased to have him around. Scoring is based on Impact and Style. Order of placing is based on merit. Thank you, and spare your comments for the last.

#10. Big Daddy Cool - The Big Foot

I'm not pretty sure if it's called Big Foot but he finished his opponent by charging at him with his big right foot. So I might as well named after it.

#9. Razor Ramon - Razor Edge

You stuck the opponent's head in between your thighs, toss them up and hold him there by the arms for 5 seconds, before throwing him down as far as you can. This sounds complicated but seeing is believing. Take note the holding part, because it allows time for the opponent to recover and do a counter-attack. It's necessary.

#8. JBL - Clothesline from Hell

As the name suggests, JBL comes from hell. He charges at a dazed opponent with a clothesline so powerful that the opponent got flipped twice in mid-air. Full marks for impact!!

#7. Triple H - Predagory
Triple H also likes to stuck his opponent's head in between his thighs. But he don't toss them up like Razor does. He simply jumps up with the head still in between and sit on it. "Ouch!!"

#6. Hulk Hogan - Atomic Leg Drop
Hulkmaniacs must be screaming their lungs off before Mr. Wrestlemania will do the Atomic Leg Drop on the lying opponent. Basically he leaps up high in the air and lands his thigh on the hapless head.

#5. Undertaker - Tombstone Piledriver
R.I.P...

#4. Bret Hart - Sharpshooter

He turns the opponet legs inside-out, outside-in till the audience can't figure out whose leg belongs to who. The victim shall then scream agonising in pain and finally taps out.

#3. The Rock - The People's Elbow

The People's Champion lands his electrifying elbow across the chest of the lying opponent. The opponent positioning must be correct though. He must lie in the centre of the ring, arms and legs wide apart to prompt the Rock, aka Scorpion King to do the famous elbow on him. So much for entertainment.

#2. Steve Austin - Stone Cold Stunner

The master of the middle-finger (what?), the beer drinker of all beer drinkers (what?), kicks the opponent in the stomach area (what?), and lands the helpless head onto his hard shoulders (what?). "Hey, are you deaf or something?"

#1. Shawn Michaels - Sweet Chin Music

The Heartbreak Kid, the Show Stopper. 10 for impact. 10 for appeal. Unquestionably the best sports entertainer ever. Like Hulk, Shawn needs the fans to get him going. He thumps his favourite right foot on the ground continuously, before thumping straight at the chin of the victim. "1, 2, 3!!"

That's all folks. Bear with me if you can't. Goodnight and good luck.

dPx: A Crimefighter's Life

I've just watched House of Fury. I really feel for the guy out there. You know that secret-agent-turned-foot-massage therapist? Yup, that's the man. Look at his sufferings. Having a great past which you can't dPx about. That's pathetic.

You see, dPx spent the best 10 years of his life as a crimefighter too, fighting criminals and maintaining peace and order in the city of Singapore. You could see similarites between dPx and Mr Foot Massager. By day, he's just like any other citizens. By night, he puts on his mask and swashbuckling anti-crime suit and sets out to defeat rebels with his infamous sidekick, Bin. He has sacrificed too much for this city. But nobody seems to know. Worse, nobody seems to care.

"Oh man, stop that crap!!", moaned the audience. Well, I guess this is just the way heroes are treated. Nobody believes Mr. Foot Massager is a secret agent. Nobody is going to believe dPx is the Batman of today either. Citizens of this city have lived too comfortably. And they often took this comfort for granted. "Heroes are never meant to be worshipped, you fool!! They are here to serve!!"

What I'm 'bout to write is some deep insights into this top secret, yet voluntary job. Let's see, where do we start? Well, dPx the crimefighter fights basically pimps and mugger-wannabes. "Why mugger-wannabes?", one might ask. You see, just as pimps are a disgrace to modern society, mugger-wannabes are a dread to school campus. Mugger-wannabes are first of all not muggers and hence they are fakers. They carry books around the school, put them on tables in the canteens and reading rooms and then leave the chairs empty. They force people out of study rooms with their unwelcomed chattering and they paste "Room Occupied" stickers on the doors when the room is only occupied with their books. Real muggers hardly have a chance against these wannabes. Unfortunately, there are just too many of them. Everyday (or should I say every night), we receive SOS signals like these:

Bin: dPx, sounds like an SOS call.
dPx: You're fucking right. Check the situation.
Bin: Boss, the situation's got worse. The whole stretch of tutorial rooms along S4 has been hogged by wannabes.
dPx: Damn!! Get ready, Bin. This is 'bout to get heavy.
Bin: Yeah baby. Anytime now.
dPx: To the Bat Mobile!!

This shit just gets heavier whenever the examinations start. But dPx and Bin have their fair share of examinations. They can't go around catching all wannabes. They need to study. They need to get a decent degree to fall on when they retire from crimefighting. And hence the need for this plead: "Wannabes, stop those hogging shit!!"

Last words: Bin's my sidekick. He's got a deep sleazy voice, a not-so-well-built body and a pimpled face. He ain't handsome Ro-bin, but fret not, he isn't a Laden too. Gosh, am I trying too hard to be funny or what? This is getting lamer!!

Bin: "erm, is this part of the plan?"

A Snail Post

With regards to my afternoon post, I failed terribly at rhyming.

It's my last days in 45-5-863. dPx ain't living in Hall9 ever again. He has seen enough. Well, that sounds like some deep hatred. Heh no, it's exaggerated. You see, dPx is going to the moon in 9 days time. He's catching snails on Planet M. It's been ages since dPx started wondering about the existence of snails. "Where do they come from?", "What are their objectives?", "Why are there so many of them? How do they mate?" And to a certain extent, dPx has come up with some conclusions about the slowest lot.

It doesn't actually take a genius to wonder what goes on in the average snail's mind. They crawl all their lives away, crawling to Neverland, crawling till they cry and drop, blocking our paths every now and then. Not exactly block, but dPx tends to watch out for these mini lives when he walks. dPx reckons that snails have a destination to reach. In a certain time limit of course. Each and every snail has been given a destination. Like the characters in Journey to the West, snails have to go through and take on 7x7=49 small tribulations and 9x9=81 big obstacles on their journey to Neverland. If ever they were crushed on their way, they would have to restart the journey, most probably at an earlier start point, making their job ever more difficult.

I said restart, because snails don't die. They disappear and restart their stage, just like your Super Marios would when they die. How often have you seen dead snails? dPx has only seen live ones, and of course cooked ones. dPx sounds weird, but it's true. In fact, dPx has seen and heard weirder things. People who would move snails back 10 yards so that they have to crawl faster or risk restarting. You see snails sweating because of these people. What goes through their mini minds, nobody knows. But dPx knows. He knows abit of snail language, from his old moon days.

Snail 1: There comes another big fellow. Any chance that he's a lunatic?
Snail 2: I don't know. I hope he won't move me back 10 yards. I hardly have enough time now.
Snail 1: Where you going?
Snail 2: South spine. You?
Snail 1: Tough luck. I have to make it to Canteen 2 in 87 hours time. And now I am still stuck in the volleyball court. I doubt I will ever make it.

This scenario might sound weird. Snails move at such incredible speeds that it is highly unlikely that they will ever meet. Some smart-ass snails even thought themselves as the only snail in existence, simply because they have not met another one. Well, these are about all dPx knows about snails. He will reveal more if he knows. Anyway, he's going to the moon soon. Why the moon? Because that's where snails come from, you idiot!!!

"Snails from the Moon?"

dPx Screaming..

dPx walks in the last, well he's the last;
Legs' wobbly, armpits' sweaty;
Hair's messy, head's damn heavy;
He stops and looks up, oh gosh, the whole hall's waiting!

He looks ready and steady, but damn, he's faking;
Exaggerating, like he's always been, but keeps forgetting;
The shit he's been pumping; now it's choking;
Pencil's ready, mind's running; but he's not writing!

The clock's run out. "Time's up, its over NOW!!"

He walks out, he trudges out, he can't stop feeling.
People stepping over people, rushing for canteen.
He's shot, he's angry, but no, he ain't showing it.
He blew it, he knew it, yes, he feels like killing*!!

*gosh, i'm kidding!! :x

dPx: A Preview

Hey, I'm back sooner than I had expected. I guess I'm weaker than I could have imagined. "Ey, don't weak leh!!" echoed the blurries and dreamies. "I'm not weak!! I am just bored!!" retorted Mr. dPx. I guess I do bored stuff whenever it's the exams period. Last semester, I was challenging myself to rounds of spider solitares. I set numerous targets to cure my boredom. It could be beating the clock challenge, or recording 3 wins in a row challenge, or a mix - recording 3 wins in a row in record time.

This semester, I have started blogging. Don't get me wrong though. I am getting the hang of it. I mean, blogging is the in thing at the moment. You hear geeks talking proudly of their blogs everywhere:

Geek 1: Check out my blog, dudes. It has a new look.
Geek 2: Oh, mine has a new music to it.
dPx: Well, I've got none.
Geek 1: Oh gosh, are you from Mars?
dPx: err..I'm from Moon but I do have one blog. Its suffering from a malnutrition of entries though. And I don't have a nice wallpaper to back it up. Neither do I have a stereo system that plays cool music as people read my shit.
Geek 2: Oh my, that's a pretty shitty piece of shit you have there. And I notice you don't have a message board or a guestbook or a friends list or a visitor counter or.. Oh god, that's not cool!!

There you have it, an uncool dPx. Oh heck, I seriously find my template alright (I took at least 10minutes to decide out of the 10 pathetic templates that Blogger has to offer, mind you!) But an uncool dPx could do with some help or advice though, so as to fit into the increasing hip (and spikes) society.

Before I end off again, allow me to introduce the star of this blog, Mr. dPx. dPx origninates from a certain JS and LJ. dPx certainly sounds cool, but not its full name, which is crude and well, crude. I supposed only crude stuff can come out of these two mouths, haha, but who cares about the 2 of them. The center of attraction of this blog is dPx and his brand of gibberish.

dPx happens to be knowledgable and is a Doctor in Thuganomics. A crude-and-swearing thug at heart, you could say that dPx is a faker since most of the time, he does not not portray his cruel self as much as he would like. But I guess everyone has their dark side.

Last words: You know who you are, you geekos!!

Signing off...

First Piece of Shit (PoSt)..

My first blog entry. The first of many, I promise. But seriously, I doubt if I have the tendency to write once the exams are over. Okie..let's see. First of all, I've just cleared my first core module, economics. You see, I have never read economics before in my life. Any attempts to look relaxed during this stressful period are all exaggerated. Sighz, that's about all I could write. I'll try to be more free-flowing in the future though. Hmmz, we shall see about that.

So until next time, friends..
Same blog channel, same blog shit..